It is so easy to let this world take so much from you and I think
that part of my issue is still my inability to let go and let God.
I panic and want to veer off on my own every time it seems like am losing out.
My hardest challenge has been waiting on God.
All the warped philosophies I absorbed growing up have crystallized
into a nagging incessant self doubt that wont let me rest.
Life not being all I hoped ( and boy am I idealistic) doesn't help.
I struggle with living God's way and balancing it with my fear
of being taken advantage of.
I struggle with loving people and protecting my heart.
I struggle with my dreams vs reality.
I struggle with not running away to an easier life :)
And at the center of all this is that this is the greatest test of my
faith so far.
I know it sounds lame compared to persecution and lions' dens but this
is the most scary part of my life...
And i keep falling at his feet realistic yet again that i have so
little faith that my focus has changed that am so shallow.
Then He lifts me up with His love telling me that there is no condemnation....
In so many ways this has been great for my walk with Christ.
But in so many ways i have found in me that rebellious ungrateful
Israelite that causes Him so much grief.
I know now that my husband and the babies and my mom or job or whatever
cant fill me up the way he does
They cant give me this high or change me for good
Only he can.
And though realizing this doesn't suddenly give me a perfect attitude
it keeps me at his feet...drinking at his well
